The Intimate Side of Marriage

This is a topic generally avoided most of the time.  I understand there is a level of privacy and discretion that must not be breached and that is not my intent.  
You will not read anything here that is unacceptable in God's sight, I promise.

You know the scenario: 

Your hubby makes advances, hints around, or blatantly tells you he wants you, 
and you either fake a headache and brush him off, 
or you really are exhausted beyond all reasoning and you politely refuse.  

Our culture has taught us that men are beasts and 
we have the right to refuse them when we want .

What if you could get inside his head and really know what he is thinking?  
What if he isn't the animal the media portrays?

After being married for twenty years and finally learning what he thinks and what he does with my responses, I'd like to help you get inside the head of your man.  I do not claim to know everything, but I just have to have a 
heart-to-heart with you.

Please do not deny your husband the intimacy 
found in the married bedroom! 
 (Trying to remain delicate, as always!) 

There are many documents, studies, and proof that your husband does need relief often, but I am going to take it a step farther. Your hubby NEEDS you to WANT him.  The best way I can describe this comes from a radio program I heard a long time ago.  I am sorry I cannot credit the source as my memory fails me on this.  The speaker asked if women ever wondered what in the world was the pull for men and 
the swimsuit editions and pornography.  
(I know you have probably wondered this before yourself!) 

He explained it like this:  When a man looks at those pictures, it is more than just lusting after the bodies in them.  It is the invitation in the model's eyes.  It says, "I WANT you!"  The body language, if you will, in the pictures says, "You can enjoy every bit of me with nothing held back".  

My dear friends, THIS is what your hubby wants and needs from you.  He longs for you to look him in the eyes and speak words of invitation to his strongest emotion.  

Am I suggesting that you have to dress up like the models and pose for him?
  (That might not be a bad idea sometime!)  
Not necessarily every time.  But I am suggesting that you flirt with him, look him square in the eyes, and let him hear your invitation in “the look”!  Make it steamy and let him know that you WANT him.

Chances are, he knows you NEED him to fix the things that break, to help you with the kids, to protect the family and provide an income.  But does he know that he is WANTED by you?

I know that being a mama, and especially when you have several children at a young age, makes alluring him more of a challenge.  I know there are times you just want to crash in the bed and you almost feel like he is just another one of the kids needing to be "fixed".  Your man can only go so long on just “fixing” his need. 

He might check out mentally and pour himself into his work.

He might turn to pictures the internet conveniently 
places at his fingertips.

He might turn to the woman at work who 
pretends she WANTS him.

He might just give up.

He won't mean to make wrong decisions.  It will just happen.  The enemy will seize the opportunity when he notices that your man has gone longer than he should, or that your man is growing weary of your tolerance of his advances.  

Thankfully, I heard that radio speaker a long time ago!  
I must confess, it took me longer than it should to learn how to make my man a happy camper almost every day.  I was stubborn and bought into the lies of our culture.  Thankfully, we did not have to live the above scenarios.  
I shouldn't be so lucky.  I know others who have not been.

God gave me a wonderful, loyal, and thoughtful husband that waited for me to get my act together! :) 

It is a beautiful thing and that is the message I would like to give you today.

Don't wait a moment to have the best
intimacy with your hubby.

It is more beautiful than you can imagine 
and worth every effort you put into it!  

You will get out of it what you put into it.  You can't buy anything of value with play money, just as you can't buy his love with fake emotions.  He will know. 

He is like a garden: if left unattended will begin to grow weeds.
It's not that the grass is greener on the other side; 
it's that it is greener where it has been watered and well taken care of.

I challenge you today to do something you may not have done in a while.  Let your hubby know you WANT him.  Start with "the look" and go from there.  You will not be sorry.  It may shock him at first, but he will be happy to oblige.  Make him in a hurry to get home.

  Allure him as only you can!  

Blessings as you cultivate your marriage and
keep the grass greener on THIS side of the fence!  


Jacqueline@ said...

I appreciate the way you deal with this topic and your word choices are great, but get the point across. I am glad to 'meet' you and look forward to getting to know you through your blog. Both posts are very helpful and a good reminder to me, also.
BTW, you asked on one comment if Kerrie wrote for me?? I'm not sure who that is :)

Raising Mighty Arrows said...

Niki, very well written. You spoke the truth while being tactful.

Little Natural Cottage said...

This is such valuable advice, Niki! Thank you for venturing out and sharing your heart.

Every young wife needs to hear this... and we need to put it into practice!

Charity Scott said...

Tears streaming down my face! I never ever thought after yes of prego hormones and tons more advanced on my end then his, that he needs me to want him! I never ever thought of it this way... and it may take me reading this several more times for it to sink in. He time and time again has put me aside to pursue other forms of pleasure... to the point we were separated. He more than knows that is spiritual adultery towards me and more importantly God. "It" was there long before we were together... now that our relationship is on the mend by the very hand of the Lord, I don't initiated... hardly ever in fact. I am still healing from all the hurt, all the horridly mean words... I never really though he wanted me, needed me to want him! I guess it's something I will definitely work on on my end. I now understand... thank you SO VERY MUCH! ,

Erika @ Slowly Natural said...

Very well stated! Thanks for the reminder!

Charity Scott said...

I appreciate this post and learned a lot in reguards to him needing me to want him. Thank you for that!
Then I read over this with my husband and he even learned a bit about himself, apart from the sin of lust, which was his initially comment to why are men drawn to swimsuit magazines and pornography. With this part of your post,
" He won't mean to make wrong decisions.  It will just happen.  The enemy will seize the opportunity when he notices that your man has gone longer than he should, or that your man is growing weary of your tolerance of his advances. " He wants ladies to know that is a justification for his actions.
Temptation has to do with the flesh, which can be overcome through prayer and even better accountability. Please don't be in fear that you not "fixing" his need will cause him to sin. That is never the case. He has a free will and should choose to use it to overcome sexual temptations.
I really love this post and thank you for it. I hope you understand there is no justification for him giving into his sexual temptations out side of your marriage, ever.. This is to all women, not just one in particular. :)
Again, thank you. My husband and I both learned from this. He just wanted to make that point.

Ashley Ditto said...

I am so excited to meet you and find your blog! :) This post is just wonderful, what I needed to hear today!

Tyra said...

I realize for a lot of women this article will be true and helpful. (which I totally understand was your intent!)
But there is also the other side that rarely gets talked about either. The one where the husband had a lust issue before he gets married and hides it. Where the wife does put herself out there and is the one getting brushed off and rejected because he's getting his "fix" from looking at other women....and she has no idea what's wrong. Where there are valid health issues that cause her not to be as available as she would like for a while and he uses that for an excuse to betray his marriage vows and hurt her further.
I know this might not be as common as the scenario you created but it's real and it happens. If there are other women out there who know that pain I just wanted to share with them that sometimes it's just that the husband is giving in to sin.....and not because she isn't showing him she wants him enough.
I hope this isn't taken as offensive against your post because I sincerely don't mean it that way. I just felt like sharing what was on my heart as I read.

Audrey L. said...

Wives need to be "wanted" intimately too. Yes, my husband "needs" me (to cook and clean, and care for our children). But I also need to know that he *wants* me! (And not because he is starved for intimacy.) It's a two-way street; if a man doesn't occasionally take the time or expend the energy to pursue his wife, she will eventually not feel wanted. (Needed-yes, but wanted-no) No, this does not give a woman a reason to turn her husband down or to not pursue him. Everyone needs to feel "wanted"!!! Especially the husband the good Lord saw fit to bless me with!

Charity Scott said...

I agree, Tyra. I spent yrs on that side of it. Then I shut down. Now through the Lord healing our marriage I am slowly starting to trust again and open myself up to him on a more intimate level. There is going through the actions and then there is truly giving of yourself... you know.
I understand that this post was from one particular angle but that's not the only angle she has I am sure. The point of this post was to help women understand their husband's need to be wanted by their wives. I think I got that right. ;)
I pray for this ladies who have gone through what I went through, I hope that they will be wanted and desired by their husbands and that they will be able to open up and allow themselves to be wanted and that they will have a desire for their husbands as well.
The enemy loves to use what God meant to glorify Him to divide couples. Let's not let the enemy have a foot hold! Let's draw close to the Lord and allow healing, and draw close to our spouses and honor God with our relationships. :)

Niki French said...

Thank you, Jacqueline, for your encouraging comments! I am glad you stopped by.

I am not sure who Kerri is either, but you asked her to write about a certain topic for you in the comment section of Creating Habits in the Home. ?? I am not much help!

Niki French said...

I started to comment to each one of you ladies, but decided to put my thoughts into one comment.

I appreciate each one of you who stopped by and for those who took the time to brighten my day by leaving me a comment! I really do like hearing form you!

I DO realize there are many different scenarios of intimacy in marriage. I chose to write about one I am most familiar with.

For those who are experiencing pain, betrayal, and rejection, my heart goes out to you and I hope that one day you will be able to enjoy the benefits of traveling both ways on this two-way street! Don't give up. Keep praying and believing.

Charity, I must say that I appreciate your resolve to heal and encourage others along the way! Thanks for bringing your husband along on this journey and allowing us to hear from his point of view.

Thanks again! And may you be blessed in your relationships today.

Anonymous said...

What about the flip side, in which the husband is the one denying intimacy? My hubby seems to have no desire at all, and has been that way since just a few years after marriage. I am certain there is no one else in the picture as we both work from home and the logistical opportunity just doesn't seem to be there. I got tired of being told no when I'd approach him, and he never approached me, so I gave up ages ago. We have a good marriage in other ways - managing the child and work and home and money and community. I do miss intimacy though.

Tracy said...

Hi Niki, great post! Great reminder to keep things fresh and to remember that there is more to intimacy than the act itself. God bless and thanks for linking up on Winsome Wednesday. I look forward to seeing you there again next week

Susan said...

Thank you so much for your post. It's such a great reminder. I have four little ones and intimacy is so easy to forget. Thank you for your honesty!

Niki French said...

For the dear friends who are experiencing the other side of this article where the husband has less interest than the wife, I would like to lead you to Heather at Raising Mighty Arrows where she deals with this:

I pray you will receive encouragement and follow the Lord's leading in this matter. Many blessings to you and thank you for visiting!

Anonymous said...

Great, well-written and accurate post Nikki! As the husband of a wife that understands what you have laid out here, I speak from experience.
As was stated by others there is no excuse for a husband to stray BUT there are ways for a wife to make it so much less tempting to do so!!