This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is October 15th, our baby's due date. A mom that has experienced this loss never forgets. It gets easier as time goes on but the thoughts of what is and what could have been never go away. The world goes on and people do not remember that I was expecting a miracle just seven months go. And that is ok. :)
I'd like to be able to say that I have been given the gift of letting go; that I can look at babies or pregnant mothers with no shadow of despair, that I have moved on and am gracefully accepting what God has chosen for me. But on days like today this is not the case. My emotions are at war with my mind. I know that God is in control and that He has a plan for our lives, but my heart says, "No! I wanted our little one to live and to be able to hold him in my arms!"
How can I learn to let go? On the difficult days, God is my refuge. He is the only One who can truly help me overcome the pain of empty arms. He is the One who understands when others do not. He lets me know it is ok to still hurt, but ok to move on. He gives me direction. He is the One who gives me peace.
I still long for Him to give us more of His blessings, but I must wait for His timing. After all, He knows best. One day I will be able to look back and see how His hand was in our life through this time and how much this experience has made me a better person.
Until then, I will shed a few tears and allow a few thoughts of what life would be like had our little one lived. I will thank God for the time I have with Kelly, Tyler, Parker, Hailey and Courtney. I will ask Jesus to give Nikolas and his newest sibling a little kiss from Momma. I will remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with expectations and satisfaction!