Dealing With the Grief of a Miscarriage

Grief comes in different forms and usually in waves.  At first there is fear that what the doctor is saying is true.  "I can't seem to locate the heartbeat, Niki.  Let's go take a look in the ultrasound room, just to make sure."  She searches and searches: nothing.  She shakes her head and mumbles something to herself.  She bites her lip.  She stares at the screen.  My heart is pounding out of my chest.  My thoughts are all over the place.  My daughter looks at me with questioning eyes.  I shrug and try to smile for her as a tear begins to roll down my cheek.  The doctor looks at me hopelessly and says something I can't quite hear.  The next hour or so things are a blur.  I remember not allowing myself to weep because I needed to be strong for my daughter who is taking the news very hard.

The next wave of grief is shock.  We realized that our precious baby in my womb was no longer living.  It was hard to believe that this was really happening. Surely the doctor had missed something, surely.  Could we check one more time?  She looks again.  No heartbeat.  We were told we had to wait for my body to reject this that is now foreign to my body.  What was living and accepted as completely normal to my body just hours before, is now rejected by my body.  How can this be?

Then the waiting began.  Oh the awful waiting for my body to reject...  We chose to wait in the hospital because we didn't have a clue as to what might happen.  The doctor and nurses were wonderful.  They treated me so kindly.  I couldn't have asked for better care.  We shed a lot of tears and waited...and waited...and waited. 

When the time finally arrived, it was very emotional.  I was to deliver our baby, but there would be no baby cries to welcome us.  Deep sadness followed as we tried to listen to the doctor's opinion as to why this might have occurred.  She explained that blood had filled his abdomen which she surmised was caused from an aneurysm.  It probably happened very quickly.  This explains the sudden strong movements I had felt days before.  I had felt him die. 

He spent the night with us and then we said good-bye in the morning as the funeral home took our little boy away in a shoe box decorated by some of the ladies from the hospital.  He was so tiny, about 6 inches long, but completely formed at 15 1/2 weeks.  His skin was transparent with no hair.  His hand was the size of my finger nail.  He was perfect.

Fast forward 7 years:  We celebrate his birthday on the day he was actually born.  When I see boys near his age, I always think, "What if..?"  But it is not a dreadful pain, but a fond memory.  It makes me appreciate those that I have been given the privilege to be with all the more.  It makes me value life and the time shared with those we love.

If you are experiencing the first few waves of grief, don't hesitate to let the tears flow.  Crying is good for your healing process.  Be encouraged that in time your pain will not be as intense.  But for now, have a good cry.  Find someone you can confide in.  Talk.  Don't keep it inside.  Don't try to bury your feelings.  Releasing your emotions is a MUST.  If you do not feel you can talk to someone about your feelings, begin a journal.  Write it to God or to the little one you have lost.  This is what I did.  I have a journal written to our first loss, Nikolas.  It is therapeutic and a treasure to look back on in years to come. 

Turn to God in this time.  As a child of God, He is doing a work in you.  He will heal you.  Don't try to walk this road by yourself or you will be depriving yourself of a great experience in the Lord.  He loves you!

His love is amazing!


Pam... said...

Thanks for sharing that story of life and love and loss. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am meditating on this. Maybe it will bless you as it has me.

"We have this treasure in earthly vessels so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves: we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed. Perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed.."

I keep saying to myself 'afflicted but not crushed, struck down but not destroyed'. It is healing and uplifting. God bless.

Joanna said...

Pam, that's very interesting that you should mention that verse, because I just read that this morning in my Bible reading. I think it's very true.
Niki, you said in yesterday's post that the world goes on and some people forget. Well, I haven't forgotten, and I always remember your little boys on their birthdays. Georgie and Nikolas have their places on my calendars. Love you.

Heidi Ochoa said...

Brought back memories of my miscarriages. It's so true I adored my living children before this happened but it did seem my love changed and went deeper once we suffered loss. God is faithful and knows how to help! Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

It is so important to be able to let your feelings out. I didn't do that. I hid it all as best as I could and now about 12 years later, been married for 12 years and I still can't cry in front of anyone, including my husband. It affects a lot of things in my life. I've built a wall and I have no clue how to tear it down. I've prayed about it but it is still there...

Niki said...

I know you always remember and I appreciate your thoughtfulness. You make my heart smile! Love you, Girl!

Niki said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. Let me encourage you to put actions behind your prayers. Take the first steps of healing by being honest and transparent with your husband. Plan a time for you to talk to him. YOu wont have to say much. Then ask him to hold you. Let him know he doesn't have to say any thing or try to fix it, just hold you.

I am writing a post that explains some other things we did/do to help with the process of grieving. My plan is to have it done for tomorrow. I hope it will continue to help.

Praying for you.

Niki said...

Thank you, Pam, for your encouraging words. I am praying for you, too in this time of trial. A Scripture that helped us a lot is Ps. 23:4 ...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me... and Jeremiah 29:11. God loves us so much!

Shelby said...

Niki, I lost my first child. She passed between 22 to 25 weeks, and we did not find out till my dr appointment at 26weeks. I spent a week carrying her before the dr had to enduce labor. I remember it as it was yesterday. That was 15yrs ago.

Niki French said...

We never forget, do we Shelby? Time eases the pain, but can never erase the memory. Praying for you today.