My "Mom" Story

I've had a lot of people ask me why do I want more children. It is hard to just say why in a couple of sentences so I'm going to begin my story.

Once upon a time there was a little girl whose dream was to grow up one day, get married, evangelize and have kids. This began in the 80's when I was, well, younger than I am now. I am living my dream right now! It is a little different than I had imagined, but so much better. Let me take you on this journey.

When Hubby and I got married in 1992, I was just eighteen years old and so young and naive. We were married 2 1/2 years when we had our first blessing. It was fun dressing her in all of the frills and hair bows (She never liked it! She always said that the clothes were itchy and bothered her). I was bound and determined to make her the girly girl. Guess what?! It didn't work and I'm so glad for the way she has turned out. She is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside and loves the Lord.

T was born two years later and we were happy. We had a boy and a girl. We enjoyed the differences between the two. K had been "soft and squishy". Then came T who was born weighing in at 9lb. 2 1/2 oz. and we called him "Bulldozer" for the longest time. Everything he did was the opposite of soft. He walked hard, played hard and ate plenty! We were having so much fun that we didn't want it to end. You can imagine our surprise 2 1/2 years later when our 3rd child was born.

Hubby had been gone on a missions trip to Mexico for nine days and oh, how we missed each other! P was conceived and we have fondly called him our "Mexico Baby". I was not ready to be pregnant again and had a hard time emotionally. There was guilt for not wanting to be pregnant and guilt when I thought of all the women who wanted to be pregnant, but couldn't. I went through a time when I was afraid something would happen to Hubby and I would be left to raise the three kids on my own. I began to withdraw from people and God. I grew cold in my spirit toward Him. The pregnancy was hard as well. I went into preterm labor at six months. The doctor was able to keep it at bay with medication and bed rest (as much bed rest as a mom can have with two toddlers to look after). Anytime I got off of the couch, I began to have contractions. Not long after I went into preterm labor, Hubby hurt his back at work and I had to take care of him as well. He was unable to even put on his own socks. That is a whole different story in itself that I will save for another day.

In July 1999, P was born. He was absolutely adorable! I was thankful the Lord had given him to us. Though I loved my three beautiful children, I was thoroughly finished having children. I did not want any more. I became adamant  At that time there was a mother in our church that was 35 years old with teens and toddlers at the same time! I determined that I was not going to do that! No way! She complained often that it was hard and I just did not want to experience it.

I had three years of turmoil in my life during this time. Circumstances made me question who I was, where did I fit into this world, what was my calling in life, who is God to me and for me, was the way I had been raised important and how did I want to raise my children? I finally began to spend a lot of time in prayer. Then the Lord began placing people in my life. I can now see the hand of God was leading me to meet and be with people that would influence me in a more Godly way and less selfish way.

I liked what I saw in the families that had multiple children and also homeschooled. I will tell the story of our decision to home school our children another time. As I was praying for the answers to all the questions I had, God began to do a work in my heart. He began to soften the rough edges and I began to change the way I viewed things. It wasn't long before Hubby and I began talking of trying to have another baby!

I got pregnant within 6 months and we were elated. Things were going good. On Memorial day of 2004, we were doing some things in the garage and I felt the baby move. It was amazing. I called Daddy and K over to feel the movement. They felt it, too. We were surprised to feel this since I was only 15 1/2 weeks along. The next day was my scheduled doctor's appointment. When she began trying to listen to the heartbeat, she could not find it. After several tries, we headed into the ultrasound room. There we found that there was no heartbeat. Our little baby had died. We spent the next few days in the hospital until Nikolas Deven was born on June 3, 2004. Apparently, he had had an aneurysm and the movement we had felt the day before was probably when he was dying. This, of course was total devastation for us. I was so confused. I thought that God wanted us to have more children and then this?

Because of some other health issues that I have had since I was 19 years old and resulted in numerous surgeries, the doctors thought it best to remove my ovaries. I just did not want to do this yet. So I made a bargain with God (yeah right!). I told Him that if I was not pregnant by six months form that time, then I would go ahead and have my ovaries removed. Six months later and I am still not pregnant. December 9th, 2004, I was in the doctor's office for the last time before the surgery. This was it. I was regrettably closing this chapter of my life forever. But maybe this is what God wanted. Hubby talked me into having a pregnancy test done...just in case. I was sure that I was not pregnant because my monthly cycle was supposed to start on that very day and I had already been having symptoms of that. I went ahead with the test...just to make sure. I will never forget what happened next. The nurse peaked her head around the door and said, "Merry Christmas!" I was is shock! Disbelief filled my voice as I stated, There was no way".

H was born in August of 2005 and I knew that God wanted us to have more children! God had come through in the nick of time. He hadn't let us do something stupid. He had let us experience one of His greatest blessings one more time.

Because of my other health issues, we used an IUD for a while hoping it would fix the problem. It fixed the health problem, but stopped me from having more children. I felt guilty. Wasn't this contradicting what God had placed on my heart? After much prayer, in May 2008, we had the IUD removed. The health problem returned, but we didn't find out until I was pregnant again. Then it was too late to do anything about it, so we just watched and waited. I had numerous ultrasounds and we got to watch our little blessing grow...literally. It was fun to get to see her almost every month, but stressful because I also had a large cyst that was growing, too. On June 9, 2009 C came into our world! We are over-joyed that this little bundle of joy is a part of our family! Seven weeks later I had surgery to remove a cyst filled with 2 liters of liquid.

We've received the questions many times, "Is this your last baby?", "Do you plan to have more?", etc. In spite of all of the negative comments and reactions, I truly feel that if God wants to bless us with more children, then bring them on! I cannot explain fully the peace that God has given me in this matter. I am happy. I would love more children. I want to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I want to home school them. I want to show them the love of God and teach them to serve Him. I love being a mom! Does this mean that it is easy or always full of bliss? No, there are difficulties and struggles that require the Lord's help regularly, but He is faithful. And He gave me a loving husband who is my support. One person told me that I really needed to pray and seek God about this decision. My answer was that I had, and this was the results of many prayers and time spent with God. He's why I am where I am today. That's my "Mom" story in a nutshell.

On my journey to please the Lord in everything I do, I want to be the best "Mom" that I can be.

1 comment:

Homemakers Cottage said...

Wow, Sis. Niki... I've known you for years but reading this opened up a new dimension of who you are as a woman and mommy. It's a beautiful testimony. Thanks for sharing.